Its been awhile since I last updated and reading the last post I remember why.
There have been what feels like 10,000 pregnancy announcements since we decided to take a break in August, and not one of them is mine.
While we haven't set up another appointment just yet I have had a few people ask what is next for us, and a few of those struggling with infertility what its like to take a break.
I cannot attest to what a break is like for everyone else, but for us -- for me, it was less of a choice and more of a mandate. So, if you're reading this and wondering if maybe a break is a necessity for you as well please feel free to read on. If you're not prepared to listen to me whine for 15 minutes this post is over. :)
We got a second opinion and when they brought up the possibility of a few new tests and an exploratory surgery, I bailed. I made the excuse that I had a lot going on with work, school and interning but to be honest I was just scared shitless. Maybe that is why I haven't been back...
The truth is you'll read some blogs where it took the couple, one maybe two medicated cycles and boom they were pregnant and you're going to go in optimistically thinking you're that couple. I thought after we started seeing an RE and I was ovulating that, that meant we were going to be that couple. However we were just not and I took that really fucking hard.
I felt like a failure. I feel like a failure and thats okay.
It is okay to feel like the world is ending. It is okay to cry and scream. You're allowed to be angry, sad or ambivalent. If there was ever a how to book of how to go through fertility treatments it would read as follows:
Step 1: Take this book and place it directly into fire.
Step 2: Fuck what ever plan you have-- there is no plan-- go with it.
Taking a break was bitter sweet in one sense it was nice not to have weekly doctor's appointments, to be hot flash and mood swing free (for the most part) and to focus on other things in my life.
However each pregnancy announcement, gnawed at me. It felt like I was giving up my right to be jealous (its sick I totally realize that but we're being honest here) because I wasn't even trying to get pregnant.
If you're questioning whether or not to take a break-- Just know that it doesn't mean you cant go back after a few weeks, months or even years. Its okay no longer wanting to be ruled by blood-draws, follicle measurements, and calendar day ones, at least for a little while.
At least that is what I've told myself. Along with a few choice other things I feel like any woman dealing with this needs to hear.
You are still valuable. Try not to let this define you. (Which is almost impossible) There are so many amazing days ahead of you, don't let the bad days destroy you.
Most importantly, despite my ramblings, is that taking a break isn't the end of the world and sometimes you have to. In our case I needed the ability to be more than a vessel for disappointment and pity.
I needed a few months to just be Karrie, and I feel better than I have in awhile.
