What its been like thus far to have our first IUI.

It was turbulent and not at all like I imagined it’d be. Though I never imagined to be going through this at all.

We went in for a routine ultrasound to see how things in my right ovary was progressing, all the nurses and receptionists know me by now and were cheering me on all the way to the ultrasound room. My nurse asked if I would mind a student being in the room and I said no, I really don’t mind who is in here anymore I’ve done this so many times. As my doctor looked around on the screen I could tell he wasn’t going to tell me good news, I tried to just lay back and pretend I hadn’t failed my husband and family once again for having a body who doesn’t do what its supposed to.

My RE said he maybe saw one ruptured follicle on my good side, however I typically ovulate a lot later than this in my cycle so unless I was ovulating at that moment I wasn’t going to this month. The only way to tell this is through a blood draw, I began bawling, making the whole room uncomfortable,  I felt in that moment like a horrible lab experiment. This dear medical student is what infertility looks like, it is not all miracle stories and quick easy fixes, sometimes its a woman wearing a sheet on her lap crying her eyes out.

We went home after the blood work was done, I counted myself defeated. Until a few hours laters when they called back with the progesterone draw it was a 3.4 so I was ovulating and we were going to do the procedure in a few hours. We pulled out of our driveway so excited, I put on my special socks (fishes because we want good swimmers!) we talked about this as if we were so sure that this was the last cycle and in two weeks we’d be showing pictures of a tiny blob to our parents.

Insem Day!

The procedure was pretty simple, Tim collected his sample, it was washed and implanted. I laid almost upside down for ten minutes and I prayed, I prayed that I wouldn’t have to do this any more and that this was finally the thing that was going to work. I got up and we walked to our car it had already been a roller coaster ride of a day and I was told to take it easy for the rest of the day. Tim was wonderful, supportive as always and for the first cycle I felt at peace lucky 7 we proclaimed.

 Lucky Socks.

 I had a progesterone draw the following Tuesday which my RE would have liked to be a 15 but when it came back a 13.9 it wasn’t terrible it just meant I’d have to go on progesterone suppositories. Things still seemed very optimistic and we were elated we told our families because it felt good to have the support. The constant state of feeling like shit was bearable, because all I could think of was how we’d make our announcement, the excitement that this whole thing would be worth it when we seen the flicker of a heartbeat.

On test day the second line never showed up and all the butterflies died.

When I’ve read other women struggling through infertility’s posts they always have such strong positive things to say when things don’t work out.

I don’t. I don’t know what to say. I feel absolutely lost.

I slept through most of the day and when I wasn’t sleeping I was crying. In the quite moment through the last few days all I can do is cry. For the first time instead of thinking “Okay well we’ll get ‘em next time.” I have thought, “What if it doesn’t happen?” I thought what do people do when you have to think about what your life will be like without children. You spend your whole life basing goals off of what your adult life will be like and for me I thought all things would mesh themselves around me being a parent. 

Now I have to think, who will I be if I’m never a mother? My lip quivers and my eyes water each time I’ve made myself think of the possibility.

I know there are women who are childless and lead happy productive lives, I know that being childless isn’t a death sentence. 

However, it feels like the idea of never being a mother takes the quality of my life and completely diminishes it. Like you have your plate and you fill it with things throughout your life but there will be this enormous empty section that even when you focus on the other parts, in the corner of your eye you’ll see it. 

In everything you are, that empty space will be there.

I’m sorry there is no upbeat we’ll get ‘em next time line. 

For now there is just a overwhelming sadness.