I could absolutely drive myself mad reading other infertility blogs. Not because these women are at all offending but I am terrified, going through all the initial testing and not finding out the plan for a few weeks I find myself trying to find optimism and yet preparing myself for other possibilities. 

The last of the testing was a Hysterosalpingogram or HSG aside from surgeries and D&Cs it has been the most invasive in our journey. Though our tech was a peach and we adore our doctor I couldn’t help but feel so damn angry during the whole thing. Mostly because I was too proud to admit I was terrified, its easier to say you’re angry than it is to lay under an x-ray machine crying because I know theres something wrong with me, but to what degree?  

It was a bitter sweet day because the morning before our procedure my husband received a call that everything on his end is amazing. After my test I found out one of my tubes is blocked and though it doesn’t seem to bother my doctor and he is pleased that I have a functioning one… I can’t help but cry as I sulk into the bathroom wiping away the evidence from the procedure this is how infertility leaves you, sore and confused. All I’m left with is time until our next appointment and the internet in which to look up every single possibility, oh and a cookie. I come back from the bathroom greeted with a freshly baked chocolate chip cookie from our tech. I can’t say that, that makes any of this easier, but her kind smile and a warm cookie certainly don’t make things worse. It is small gestures like this that have made this process easier. 

I could plaster this post with statistics and figures of possibilities, however that isn’t the point we’re at yet.

This is where we're at:

Medications, during the days that followed testing I received an influx of calls which led to an three separate pharmacy visits. I find her noticeable extensions, slightly off kilter fake-eyelashes and outgrown acrylic nails somewhat unnerving. Like at any moment cheesy music is going to come over the intercom and I am going to be whisked away from a very mature scene. Alas she only explains to me the side effects of this new medication, which if I have these side effects with my other medications I should be very concerned. Oh well, I now have a thug mentality in all of this: Get pregnant or die trying. Just kidding, I of course have the upmost confidence in my doctors ability to not kill me. (haha) However some medications can't be mixed in a certain amount of time with others, some you eat with, some you don't. I feel like my day is starting to revolve around what time I take my meds, and I'm not even on the hardcore regimen. 

I wish I had something more to say, something meaningful and inspiring but currently we're in limbo and its awful. I want to be excited and part of me thinks well maybe if we adjust a few levels here and there we'll be pregnant in no time, I should start picking out paint colors for the baby's room. Then the other part of me thinks what if its like those other women from the blogs, what if our only option is $12,500. IVF. Which you only need 20% down with two years of monthly payments totaling more than my mortgage.

Oh but my research has reveled that eating pineapple makes your uterus stickier and you should totally eat it while doing IVF. Sure, its that easy eat the pineapple, get knocked up.

Appointment 1

The world does not stop for anyone's personal tragedy much as we'd sometimes like it to. 

First day of official testing. 4 vials of blood and one container of disgusting orange sugar water. They list off the tests in which they plan to do but my fear of needles inhibits my ability to listen. Though honestly I don't even flinch anymore, I say fear because before this needles terrified me but now this is just blood draw I don't know, 25?  The sugar water is the worst, I considerate on the framed picture in front of me in hopes of not tossing all up. 

Onto ultrasound and half way through the machine stops working... You can totally take the prob out while trouble-shooting, I don't mind. 

After 20ish minutes and a handful of people coming in and out I notice my right butt-cheek was kind of exposed. Too late to care now, about 6 people seen my butt-cheek, I have no shame. 

The doctor comes back in and I can't really understand what he's saying but I do get to see the cool cyst Clomid gifted me. "Oh you want to have a baby? Nope, here's a cyst." Clomid has been the soup nazi of infertility thus far, no soup for you! 

I get to come back down stairs to wait out my time in between blood work. Nauseous and crampy as I smell all the wonderful food I can't touch for the next hour and a half. 

My husband comes gingerly down from his appointment. It is then that I decide since the only thing he'll have to endure through all this is already done and well it's not like it was particularly hard... He will forever have poop-duty during our child rearing years.

When asked to comment on his experience he said the 60 year old receptionist asking him when the last time he ejaculated was, a bit off putting... He also commented on the tasteful Playboys and art work of the room and how you wouldn't believe how many articles are actually in a Playboy.

*Note to any husband who will read this: Do not tell your hormonal wife, who already feels gross and unattractive being up in the stir-ups with someone probing her in front of you... Also constantly poked from other various methods. Don't tell her what you do in that room or what you think about. Nothing good will come of it. I promise. 

This is process is exceedingly hard on a marriage, it will test you at every angle. In the moment it's hard not to be upset about little things, it's really hard to empathize with your spouse when you have to watch them going through stuff on the side lines.

However synthetic hormones and various procedures will undoubtedly turn your wife into this crazy monster bitch. It's not our fault, totally honest moment, the fact that we're poked and prodded and put through the wringer while you only have to masturbate... Is a little unfair.

We love you. You bring us Chipotle and chocolate and rub our back in the middle of the night. You turn the heat and fan up and down 20 times during our hot flashes and you don't mind horribly when we have a melt down over the butter being too cold to spread on toast.

While your husband may only have to um jerk-off for science... He also has to deal with you, and you will be this crazy bitch and this is the universes way of rewarding him for putting up with your crazy ass.

Thank you dear husband for being so supportive when you've wanted to run far, far away from me. 

Still unless you're telling me how gorgeous you think I am in stir-ups, do not tell me your inspiration for testing. I will hurt you.

It's easy to joke about but in all seriousness, you two will be the only ones who ever truly understand the emotional toll this all takes. Be kind, and patience because if you're anything like my husband and I we have two different coping and conflict resolution styles and that can be a challenge in it of itself. However it may be my body going through all this but it's hard on him too, he's invested too. He wants this just as badly as I do and would gladly do the testing part if he could.

I see a lot of women write about how amazing it is to see how your husband loves your child. I can't wait for that.

However in the mean time, it's amazing to see how much my husband loves me unconditionally through all this, even on Clomid. 

How did we get here? Well long story short through 4.5 years of trying, experiencing losses, a few drs, surgery, 3 rounds of Clomid and a lot of complications lead us to a recommendation to a Fertility clinic.

Why did we hold off on coming here? Misinformation on the process of what your insurance will cover, mostly. One thing during all of this I've learned and you will too is that you have to know your insurance plan forwards and backwards. Thankfully I have an amazing friend who works in insurance who has helped me understand my plan and before our initial appointment helped me check with CPT codes what was covered.

Really you have to. Without getting into it too severely, basically some insurance companies and people for that matter view infertility as a choice. (You don't NEED a baby to live so getting pregnant is deemed a privilege and not a right) There for there are aspects your insurance may not cover and with the consultation alone costing $466, that is something you'll need to consider.

My body doesn't do what a woman's body should. There I said it. The almost sole biological reason women exist, our body's main job... and my body just can't seem to get and or stay pregnant. It's devastating, humiliating and maddening.  We'll cover self-loathing in some other post. 

For now we'll cover our first day with our fertility clinic:

I have to giggle because the clinic is in this almost secret passage away from the other hospital and clinic areas. However as soon as the elevator brings us up we're greeted by possibly the nicest receptionist and this makes a world of difference. 

It's quiet and devoid of children (no pun intended) on our welcome letter, it specifically asked me not bring any children in the clinic if at all possible. Seeing that our children have four legs and a tail it wasn't difficult, however to not have to see a woman screaming at her 4 children, pregnant with her 5th was refreshing. This certainly did not feel like my OBs office.

Because my OBs office is in the same building all my previous tests and procedures are already in the system and it saves me from filling out the 5 page packet. Infertility (as I understand with pregnancy) will leave you devoid of extreme modesty, once you've gotten to the clinic point you will have shared every hairy detail of your journey with more drs and nurses than one person should ever encounter and you'll almost be able to recite it verbatim, almost.

We sit in the waiting room and it's almost surreal, what twenty-five year old ends up here, I thought this only happened to other people? It's empty at first until we see an older couple in their forties and I think, that's who goes through this, older people.

No. Age while being a contributing factor to complications in conceiving does not determine whether or not you'll have complications. There are lots of twenty-somethings in the same boat... However no one really says that when you're young and trying to conceive that you might have a lot of complications. No one tells you any of this because infertility is still so taboo to talk about. It's something you hear that only affects other people and when you hear stories, you thank God it's not you and move on. This is something Id like to in my life time, and with these entries like to see change. There are probably a lot of people in your life that have dealt with it but no one talks about it. Likes this huge ugly secret that you're not allowed to admit to. Fuck that. I refuse to be ashamed of something I have no control in and that I'm working on. Nor should anyone. 

A lovely nurse calls us in a conference room where she goes over all of our history. As she reads off losses, procedures and tests I almost feel sick. I hate having to look at all that's against us and all the ways we've tried that haven't worked.

Then our doctor comes in, looks through our charts and is enthusiastic in his thick accent about the possibilities. He has the MY chart, right? Then he says he's almost certain that I've been misdiagnosed and we're doing this whole panel of tests.  I'll trade sunny optimism for lots of uncomfortable testing. I'd do anything at this point to conceive successfully so sure why not sign me up! 

First up various blood work, glucose test and ultrasound for me. Semen analysis for hubby. 

I have to giggle, up to this point his role has been strictly supportive. So the look on his face as the doctor explained his testing was priceless.

Jerking off for science, any 15 year old boy would be ecstatic. Time to channel your inner 15 year old boy, I offered to knock on the door and ask him if he was okay in there to really liven up the experience. He just smirked.

At the start of all this my OB had to all but pry my knees apart I was mortified at the idea. Now I've had so many tests and procedures... You want to bring the entire 3rd floor in here plus med-students? Sure why not. 

Lastly before we leave with more optimism than I've felt in months, the finance department comes in to cover costs. While it may seem insensitive I'm grateful that had I not had the forethought to look into this before. We come to find out they went over our insurance plan coverage for us. 

All in all pretty painless, we will however see what these next upcoming appointment bring :)

Introduction Post

I weighed the idea of starting a blog heavily, sharing something so personal and making it public for anyone to read. Then I decided "Fuck it." I am horribly disappointed in the complete lack of public knowledge regarding infertility and societal shaming of the people who face it.

Although this isn't anything original and I am not some special case, there are many women and couples who have, are and will go through the processes my husband and I are. This is my take on the experience, in this I plan to document our journey with our local fertility clinic and what ever comes to mind. I'm not an expert, however I wish in the beginning someone would have brought the possibility of infertility to my attention, and if nothing else I hope to shed some light on the subject in general. You know in my own crass, vulgar and quirky way. :)