Appointment 1

The world does not stop for anyone's personal tragedy much as we'd sometimes like it to. 

First day of official testing. 4 vials of blood and one container of disgusting orange sugar water. They list off the tests in which they plan to do but my fear of needles inhibits my ability to listen. Though honestly I don't even flinch anymore, I say fear because before this needles terrified me but now this is just blood draw I don't know, 25?  The sugar water is the worst, I considerate on the framed picture in front of me in hopes of not tossing all up. 

Onto ultrasound and half way through the machine stops working... You can totally take the prob out while trouble-shooting, I don't mind. 

After 20ish minutes and a handful of people coming in and out I notice my right butt-cheek was kind of exposed. Too late to care now, about 6 people seen my butt-cheek, I have no shame. 

The doctor comes back in and I can't really understand what he's saying but I do get to see the cool cyst Clomid gifted me. "Oh you want to have a baby? Nope, here's a cyst." Clomid has been the soup nazi of infertility thus far, no soup for you! 

I get to come back down stairs to wait out my time in between blood work. Nauseous and crampy as I smell all the wonderful food I can't touch for the next hour and a half. 

My husband comes gingerly down from his appointment. It is then that I decide since the only thing he'll have to endure through all this is already done and well it's not like it was particularly hard... He will forever have poop-duty during our child rearing years.

When asked to comment on his experience he said the 60 year old receptionist asking him when the last time he ejaculated was, a bit off putting... He also commented on the tasteful Playboys and art work of the room and how you wouldn't believe how many articles are actually in a Playboy.

*Note to any husband who will read this: Do not tell your hormonal wife, who already feels gross and unattractive being up in the stir-ups with someone probing her in front of you... Also constantly poked from other various methods. Don't tell her what you do in that room or what you think about. Nothing good will come of it. I promise. 

This is process is exceedingly hard on a marriage, it will test you at every angle. In the moment it's hard not to be upset about little things, it's really hard to empathize with your spouse when you have to watch them going through stuff on the side lines.

However synthetic hormones and various procedures will undoubtedly turn your wife into this crazy monster bitch. It's not our fault, totally honest moment, the fact that we're poked and prodded and put through the wringer while you only have to masturbate... Is a little unfair.

We love you. You bring us Chipotle and chocolate and rub our back in the middle of the night. You turn the heat and fan up and down 20 times during our hot flashes and you don't mind horribly when we have a melt down over the butter being too cold to spread on toast.

While your husband may only have to um jerk-off for science... He also has to deal with you, and you will be this crazy bitch and this is the universes way of rewarding him for putting up with your crazy ass.

Thank you dear husband for being so supportive when you've wanted to run far, far away from me. 

Still unless you're telling me how gorgeous you think I am in stir-ups, do not tell me your inspiration for testing. I will hurt you.

It's easy to joke about but in all seriousness, you two will be the only ones who ever truly understand the emotional toll this all takes. Be kind, and patience because if you're anything like my husband and I we have two different coping and conflict resolution styles and that can be a challenge in it of itself. However it may be my body going through all this but it's hard on him too, he's invested too. He wants this just as badly as I do and would gladly do the testing part if he could.

I see a lot of women write about how amazing it is to see how your husband loves your child. I can't wait for that.

However in the mean time, it's amazing to see how much my husband loves me unconditionally through all this, even on Clomid.