Test results are in, in the case of Karrie and Tim: You are NOT terribly infertile!

I put off writing these because I think they’ll get easier. When I first thought about writing these blogs I thought it would fine, beneficial even, a way to keep my far away loved ones informed and to be able to make the subject less taboo.

Truth is, its never easy writing any of this down. I sit and think about what I should honestly say and what I’m comfortable saying and they almost never are exclusive ideas. 

The truth is I’m scared the further we get into this, when possibilities start arising and God forbid complications, I will have to share those. I may have to post some short coming or terrible occurrence and then people will know. People will be able to see how this isn’t always a journey of success and I wont pretend like it is. 

However I’d love to after over 4 years be able to at some point exclaim, FINALLY. Finally happened. Thats the idea right?

I honestly exist in this perpetual fear of hope and the fear of the loss of it. I am always hopeful, as many women in my position are, I am attune to my body, every single suggestive symptom brings this profound sense of hope. Then I talk myself down because along with an unfruitful hope comes this crushing regret that I let myself get so worked up in the first place. I think (in my fucked up way of doing things) that I need to give myself a dose of reality and not be so hopeful. Its silly and counterproductive but I don’t know how else to manage my expectations at times. I want to hope, I do hope, the realist in me gives me every reason to doubt myself. However if this has taught me anything, it has taught me that even if I’m wrong, in the moments of hope, if I didn’t have them, those fleeting butterflies of hope. I don’t know if I could honestly manage this. All I do is hope.

Which leads us into the real reason behind this post. Our results and initial plan!

Without pulling up my chart and going over specific levels and covering material a different post has already covered. Our RE said aside from the few hormonal levels he wanted to see change he was very optimistic about us becoming parents and is starting on Letrozole. The awesome news is this is my second on time- natural cycle in I can’t honestly tell you when, which if you’re TTC is a huge deal. Things for the first time in a long time are looking so hopeful and I just need to not talk myself out of the positive vibes.

Along side our medication regimen they handed us a baby dancing sheet… Nothing say’s “Come get it, big boy” like a calendar. This is sure to spice up our marriage and only further proves that absolutely nothing intimate remains private between you, your partner and your RE. 

For Valentine’s Day my husband is going to be blessed with a synthetically hormonal bitch. Again another notion of added spice to our love life, hot flashes, mood swings and calendar servicing. The Fifty Shades of Crazy Hormonal Bitch Wife: Staring Karrie and her 20 personalities brought to you by: Letrizole! 

If you see my husband in tears with a Target bag full of chocolate and Cheetos, shaking with a gleam of fear in his eyes. Console him, buy him a beer and tell him that all of this craziness will be worth it when we’re spending sleepless nights with a tiny human.

Plus how scary can his 5’1 wife possibly be?

Pretty damn scary, when on fertility drugs. Poor, poor husband.  

Heres to hoping this cycle works!! We're like one failed cycle away from carrying our dogs around in Tulas... I'm kind of not even joking.